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Boardinghouse (John Wintergate, 1982)
At first I was comfortably prepared to declare that the three actresses who appear in Boardinghouse are wearing the same pair silky smooth black satin disco pants. But as of right this minute, I'm not...
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Domino (Ivana Massetti, 1988)
I'm no math whizz, but I'd say 99% of the movies I watch are devoid of anything of value. What I mean is, they contain things I'm not interested. Of course, if the people who make these movies had the...
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Kamikaze 1989 (Wolf Gremm, 1982)
Damn, it's cold! Who knew the winters (hell, the springs, too) in Canada could be so chilly? Speaking of which, whose bright idea was it to continue removing my arm hair throughout the winter months?...
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Slaughterhouse Rock (Dimitri Logothetis, 1988)
Are you sitting down? (Do I have to?) No, I really think you should be sitting down to hear what I'm about to say. Okay, so, there's this horror movie from the late 1980s called "Slaughterhouse Rock."...
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Blood Games (Tanya Rosenberg, 1990)
We can all agree that unchecked masculinity can be a lot of things. Harmful, pernicious, sexy, and even poisonous at times, masculinity is a sickness. But toxic? I wouldn't go that far. Or would I?...
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Dune (David Lynch, 1984)
Call me crazy, but I think there might be a connection between the spice and the worms. What that connection is, I'm not entirely sure. But what I do know is... Oh, wait. Virginia Madsen has started...
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Pretty in Pink (Howard Deutch, 1986)
As they're leaving Trax to go on their first date, Blane asks Andie, "So, do you wanna go home and change"? Obviously implying that what she is currently wearing is not appropriate first date attire....
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Some Kind of Wonderful (Howard Deutch, 1987)
The act of re-watching some of my favourite movies with trans-tinted glasses over the past two or three months has been quite the rewarding experience. Like, did you know Dr. Caligari is the ultimate...
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Latex (Michael Ninn, 1995)
After scanning my retina for, oh, I'd say, a minute or two, Michael Ninn's Latex finally granted me access to its shiny, dystopic, dysphoria-causing universe. (Hold up. The first two I understand. But...
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Babyface 2 (Alex de Renzy, 1986)
Ahh, look at me. I'm staring in the general direction of a motion picture of some kind, and, get this, I want to write words about it for some inexplicable reason. Now, I wasn't entirely sure if they...
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Blood Rage (John Grissmer, 1987)
If your twin sons were running around an expansive Jacksonville, Florida apartment complex murdering people with a machete, you'd drink multiple glasses of wine, too. And you'd probably vacuum the...
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Convulsion Expulsion (Usama Alshaibi, 2004)
I want to bleed like Echoplasm does in Usama Alshaibi's Convulsion Expulsion. Goddammit! Whose dick do I need to suck in order to make this happen?Arrrgh! Don't mind me, I'm crestfallen. After not...
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Slaughtered Pigtails (Usama Alshaibi, 2001)
If only every slasher movie was this short and to the point.Thank you, Slaughtered Pigtails. Thank you for not wasting my time. 💓💓💓 A sort of Ukrainian woman (Echo Transgression) is chased across a...
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Self-Contained (Usama Alshaibi, 2004)
In Self-Contained, Usama Alshaibi films Kristie Alshaibi lying on a hardwood floor covered in plastic wrap.Who knows what kind of craziness will transpire... Oh, wait a second. She just got out of...
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Traumata (Usama Alshaibi, 2005)
Yeah, I can totally relate to this... I wore a blister bandage on my back for a full year.(You had a blister on your back?)No, don't be silly. I used a blister bandage because I had read that this...
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Spoiled (Usama Alshaibi, 2008)
OMG! Am I completely mental, or did Forever 21 at one time sell cow print makeup bags with the word "spoiled" written on the side?!?I know I could do some research and probably find this out in a...
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Patient (Usama Alshaibi, 2008)
Naked woman? ✅ Naked woman wearing a bandage? ✅Writhing? ✅Couch? ✅ Torn black knee-high stockings? ✅Bongo music? ✅A shot of the sky to increase the profundity factor? ✅Um❓❓❓❓ 🐌🐌🐌🐌 I think that...
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Runaway (Usama Alshaibi, 2008)
A young naked woman dances sheepishly in the dark to dark ambient music (with Del Shannon undertones).A light shines on her occasionally. This light seems to make her even more sheepish.The film is...
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Organ Molly (Usama Alshaibi, 2008)
I just watched Molly Plunk lounge irregularly on a mattress to organ music.ORGAN is an HOMONYMMolly has organs but they're inside her body for the duration of this film.Just in case her skin fails to...
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Gash (Usama Alshaibi, 2008)
Always writhing, always opening their oral cavities in ways that are clearly unorthodox.This is Gash... and there is a gash. It's on Katinka's pelvis.It's pretty infected...The gash, that is.Wait. Is...
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The Amateurs (Usama Alshaibi, 2003)
I don't remember François Truffaut or Karen Finley being mentioned in any of Ed Powers' depressing Dirty Debutantes movies. But then again, I haven't seen all that many (THANK GOD!!!!!). I can see a...
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Nightdreams 2 (Rinse Dream, 1990)
How does this work again? You watch a particular movie... then you... uh... do something or something. Speaking of launching pituitary tumors into outer space, I want the specter of my newly...
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Nightdreams 3 (Rinse Dream, 1991)
"Just mention On the Waterfront and she gets... randy pants." So much agreeable agreement is nestling softly between the uppermost point of my... prize winning cerebral playtex. Oh, yes, that's right,...
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Untamed Cowgirls of the Wild West Part 1: The Pillowbiters (Rinse Dream, 1993)
If you really want worry-free protection, I suppose the sanest course of action would be to get yourself some leak-proof panties. Being fresh and dry in and around your secret cubbyhole area is the...
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Untamed Cowgirls of the Wild West Part 2: Jammy Glands from the Rio Grande...
Contempt... pure, unadulterated contempt. You can feel it pouring off the screen. If your climax-based discharge resembles molasses, monetize that shit, motherscratcher! You be ejaculating liquid gold!...
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