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Patrick (Richard Franklin, 1978)
Eyebrows or hand jobs, those are the subjects, and this is the dilemma: Should I start off my review of Patrick, the tale of a wide-eyed comatose patient and his comely nurse, by talking about eyebrows...
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Driller (Joyce James, 1984)
While it's nowhere near as titillating as the tragically non-existent "Owner of a Lonely Heart" porn parody, "Boner in a Lonely Tart" (dig the scene where an out of work sex slave is forced to perform...
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Entrails of a Virgin (Kazuo Komizu, 1986)
There's always time to punch the chipmunk. But say you didn't feel like pawing at your own genitals (masturbatory malaise is more widespread than you think), would you except the severed hand a...
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The Toxic Avenger Part II (1989)
Her name is different, yet she's still blind?!? I'm confused. I mean, am I supposed to believe that Melvin, a.k.a. The Toxic Avenger, or just plain Toxie, the first hideously deformed monster hero of...
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The Toxic Avenger (1984)
Am I crazy or are the first fifteen minutes of The Toxic Avenger the greatest fifteen minutes ever to be captured on film? What's that? Oh, I am crazy. Whew, that's a relief. For a second there, I...
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The Inconfessable Orgies of Emmanuelle (Jess Franco, 1982)
I'm not sure if Asunción Calero (credited as Ida BalÃn) was supposed to be Lina Romay's replacement in The Inconfessable Orgies of Emmanuelle (a.k.a. Emmanuelle Exposed). But either way, Miss Calero...
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Driller (Joyce James, 1984)
While it's nowhere near as titillating as the tragically non-existent "Owner of a Lonely Heart" porn parody, "Boner in a Lonely Tart" (dig the scene where an out of work sex slave is forced to perform...
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Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI (Tom McLoughlin, 1986)
C'mon, you stupid movie, give me something to write about! Ugh. It just dawned on me, there are no naked breasts in this movie. Come to think of it, the only nudity in Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part...
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Patrick Still Lives (Mario Landi, 1980)
Out of these four Italian actresses, Mariangela Giordano, Carmen Russo, Andrea Belfiore and Anna Veneziano, which one shows her bush in Patrick Still Lives? I'll give you a minute to think about it....
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The Toxic Avenger Part II (1989)
Her name is different, yet she's still blind?!? I'm confused. I mean, am I supposed to believe that Melvin, a.k.a. The Toxic Avenger, or just plain Toxie, the first hideously deformed monster hero of...
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Mansion of the Living Dead (Jess Franco, 1985)
If you were to tell any other actress that the super-tight gold trousers they wore in their latest movie produced a camel toe so pronounced, that you could probably see it from space, she would look at...
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The New Kids (Sean S. Cunningham, 1985)
You know, you're awfully choosy for someone with no booty whatsoever. Let me rephrase that: You're insane! I mean, look at him, he's gorgeous! And to make matters even more ridiculous, he's hitting on...
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Mystics in Bali (H. Tjut Djlil, 1981)
Bad fashion continuity, floating head cunnilingus, female armpit hair, impromptu Indonesian thigh tattoo inspection, or cackling Leák Queens, which topic should I open my long-awaited review of Mystics...
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The Hot Nights of Linda (Jess Franco, 1975)
You're initial thought might be, as you begin to enjoy Jess Franco's The Hot Nights of Night (a.k.a. But Who Raped Linda?), how much longer do we have to watch Alice Arno–who is, to the best of my...
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Fantom Kiler 2 (Roman Nowicki, 1999)
Turn on the smoke machine and dust off your Polish-English phrase book, it's time once again to enter the shadowy, clothes-optional realm of... the Fantom Kiler. (Wait, didn't you already watch and...
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Junior (Jim Hanley, 1985)
After being harassed by the local sheriff of a small seaside town, two female ex-cons hoping to start over in said small seaside town decide that it's probably a good idea to change out of their hooker...
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Flesh Gordon (Howard Ziehm, 1974)
The tenants of porno chic and state of the art visual effects repeatedly collide with one another in the deliriously campy Flesh Gordon, the raunchy space adventure from... Ugh, I don't like that at...
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The Boxer's Omen (Chin Hung Kuei, 1983)
Let's see how long I can go without using the word "insane" when writing about The Boxer's Omen, the literally bat-shit insane new film from the Shaw Brothers. Okay, go! What's that? You say I already...
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Fantom Kiler 3 (Roman Nowicki, 2003)
After the debacle that was Fantom Kiler 2, you would have thought I would have learned my lesson. But, no, here I am, ready and willing to debase myself in public by admitting to the world at large...
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Something Weird (Herschell Gordon Lewis, 1967)
According to my crack research staff--and by "staff," I mean, Steve, Justin, Agnieszska, Big Lloyd and Tammy--white people didn't start taking martial arts classes until 1973--you know, the year Enter...
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