Unholy Rollers (Vernon Zimmerman, 1972)
Claudia Jennings! Claudia... motherfuckin' Jennings! Your stay on this earth may have been cut tragically short (1949-1979), but your body of work will live on forever. The second film in my...
View ArticleThe Dark Backward (Adam Rifkin, 1991)
In most movies, when a character stumbles upon the body of a naked woman at the local dump, their first instinct is to call the authorities. Well, how should I put this? The Dark Backward is not even...
View ArticleThe Great Texas Dynamite Chase (Michael Pressman, 1976)
Not quite sure who wears the cut-off jean shorts in this here movie, I started to panic. Why, oh, why, I thought myself, why did I announce my plans to review "The Jean Short Trilogy" without making...
View ArticleShowgirls 2: Penny's from Heaven (Rena Riffel, 2011)
Slip on the tightest, whitest body stocking you can find, and get ready to thrust your crotch skyward, because my shapely ass (it's surprisingly symmetrical) is about to watch me some Showgirls 2:...
View ArticleHanger (Ryan Nicholson, 2009)
Bathed in perpetual darkness, the world of Hanger is no place for those who menstruate on a semi-regular basis. And, no, not just because a deformed tampon enthusiast of Chinese decent will most likely...
View ArticleSid and Nancy (Alex Cox, 1986)
It's a movie about punk rock. And it's also a movie about drug abuse. But to me, Alex Cox's Sid and Nancy will always be, first and foremost, a movie about love. Yep, as sappy as it might sound, I...
View ArticleExcision (Richard Bates Jr., 2012)
When one of Gerald's friends in Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael tells him that he thinks Winona Ryder's Dinky Bossetti is "ugly," I remember saying to myself: You have got to be fucking kidding? Sure,...
View ArticleStraight to Hell (Alex Cox, 1987)
Warning: The following may contain words and pictures that promote the notion that: A) Courtney Love is sexy as a pregnant gangster's moll (sit on that jukebox, you leggy hosebeast, you). And B)...
View ArticleKiller Party (William Fruet, 1986)
I don't mean to imply that the rest of Killer Party (a.k.a. The April Fools) is complete crap, but the first eight or so minutes of this Toronto shot slasher flick are freakin' amazing. And... Okay, I...
View ArticleWet Hot American Summer (David Wain, 2001)
Of course, wouldn't you know it, all my memories of camp involve getting frostbite, sleeping in a mice-infested cabin and being shunned by chunky Finnish chicks. I mean, seriously, whose bright idea...
View ArticleState Park (Rafal Zielinski, 1988)
Three friends enter Weewankah Park located in the wilds of Michigan... (Hold up. Aren't you going to bemoan the fact that this film is yet another Canadian production pretending to be American?) Nah,...
View ArticleThe Hidden (Jack Sholder, 1987)
A super-sexy and more lithe than usual Claudia Christian wields a Steyr AUG and a Mossberg 500 Bullpup whilst wearing a red thong near the middle portion of the totally kick ass 1980s sci-fi action...
View ArticleBig Meat Eater (Chris Windsor, 1982)
I don't know where to start, nor do I, as you'll soon find out, know how to string sentences together in a semi-coherent manner. To begin my review of Big Meat Eater with a saucy diatribe about the...
View ArticleThe Bikini Carwash Company (Ed Hansen, 1992)
It's a good thing I stayed around for the end credits of The Bikini Carwash Company, or else I would have made quite the fool of myself. Itching to go on a long-winded tangent about the bizarre editing...
View ArticleThe American Astronaut (Cory McAbee, 2001)
When Cory McAbee, the writer, director and star of The American Astronaut, approaches the ladies of Venus and sings the line, "So perfect and pure, and gynecologically demure," I nearly lost it. At...
View ArticleKilling American Style (Amir Shervan, 1990)
We have leggy floozy adjacent black pantyhose being adjusted. I repeat, we have leggy floozy adjacent black pantyhose being adjusted. In the opening scene no less. I couldn't help but notice that your...
View ArticleRun Like Hell (Robert Rundle, 1995)
Like any sane person, I love Robert Z'Dar (Samurai Cop and Killing American Style). But even a die hard Z'Darian from the mean streets of Z'ha'dum like myself should have run like hell away from Run...
View ArticlePolyester (John Waters, 1981)
Judging by the way the harsh light of day cascaded off her legs as she sat on the pavement outside the entrance of the Crockfield Mall in suburban Baltimore, I'd say they were sheathed in a pair of tan...
View ArticleCrawlspace (David Schmoeller, 1986)
If I told you there was a machete-wielding maniac in a hockey mask lurking in the crawlspace of your apartment building, I bet most of you would probably respond to this news by letting out an...
View ArticleDrop Dead Rock (Adam Dubin, 1996)
Even though the music industry depicted in this movie doesn't exist anymore (believe or not, in 1996, bands the world over would submit their music to so-called "taste-makers" in the hope that they...
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