Clik here to view.
Eddie and the Cruisers II: Eddie Lives! (Jean-Claude Lord, 1989)
Instead of wracking my brain trying to figure out this film's timeline, I should just listen to Eddie Wilson when he says: "It's about the music, man." While I have to admit, that's some top notch...
View ArticleClik here to view.
Squalor Motel (Kim Christy, 1985)
Despite the fact that there's a good chance that a disgusting man (one in a pig mask wearing ill-fitting lingerie) will be watching your every move, I still wouldn't mind spending the night or two at...
View ArticleClik here to view.
Demolition High (Jim Wynorski, 1996)
What the hell? I don't believe this, but it looks like I just dragged myself away from playing Borderlands 2* to write about a film where Dick Van Patten (Spaceballs) plays a four star general and...
View ArticleClik here to view.
Slime City Massacre (Greg Lamberson, 2010)
Whenever I hear someone call a woman (or a man) a "dirty whore," they're usually way off the mark. First of all, they're not dirty (you could eat an entire bucket of day-old escargot off their...
View ArticleClik here to view.
Pretty Peaches 2 (Alex de Renzy, 1987)
While I would love to say that I haven't seen such a pronounced spattering of semen since my days as a male prostitute. I can't because I've never been a male prostitute. Oh, sure, I used to fuck guys...
View ArticleClik here to view.
Squalor Motel (Kim Christy, 1985)
Despite the fact that there's a good chance that a disgusting man (one in a pig mask wearing ill-fitting lingerie) will be watching your every move, I still wouldn't mind spending the night or two at...
View ArticleClik here to view.
Demolition High (Jim Wynorski, 1996)
What the hell? I don't believe this, but it looks like I just dragged myself away from playing Borderlands 2* to write about a film where Dick Van Patten (Spaceballs) plays a four star general and...
View ArticleClik here to view.
Turkish Mad Max (Çetin Inanç, 1983)
Are they cops? I doubt it. Are they secret agents? In a past life maybe. Are they badasses? Most definitely. Oh, hi, don't mind me, I'm just trying to determine the profession of the three lead...
View ArticleClik here to view.
The Passion of Darkly Noon (Philip Ridley, 1995)
When I saw a blonde Ashley Judd slowly emerge from the ceaseless forest wearing a pair of blue jeans at the beginning of The Passion of Darkly Noon, I thought to myself: Does she really think she's...
View ArticleClik here to view.
Scanner Cop (Pierre David, 1994)
Just as I was about to start questioning the logic behind casting Brion James as "Dr. Hampton," a doctor who works at a poorly run mental institution, he goes ahead and describes Zena, the character...
View ArticleClik here to view.
Pretty Peaches 3: The Quest (Alex de Renzy, 1989)
In Alex de Renzy's Pretty Peaches 3: The Quest, the sexual awakening of a naive young twit with thighs that don't know the meaning of the word quit continues unabated. Which should come as no surprise,...
View ArticleClik here to view.
The Passion of Darkly Noon (Philip Ridley, 1995)
When I saw a blonde Ashley Judd slowly emerge from the ceaseless forest wearing a pair of blue jeans at the beginning of The Passion of Darkly Noon, I thought to myself: Does she really think she's...
View ArticleClik here to view.
Cobra (George P. Cosmatos, 1986)
How long do you think the members of so-called "New Order" knock their axes together? I'm no expert when it comes to ritualistic axe knocking, but I'd say no longer than five minutes. Sure, the Night...
View ArticleClik here to view.
Automatic (John Murlowski, 1995)
E-mail? Dental scans? Self-healing automatons? Ponytail-sporting badasses wielding CornerShots? Annabelle Gurwitch playing a character with a Japanese surname? Either, I've totally lost control of my...
View ArticleClik here to view.
Scanners (David Cronenberg, 1981)
Imagine not being able to, oh, let's say, ride the bus without the ability to drown out the thoughts of the other passengers. I think most people would agree that the constant of barrage of inner...
View ArticleClik here to view.
Powder (Victor Salva, 1995)
Hey, 1995. What's with all the slack-jawed gawking? Haven't you ever seen a guy in a fedora before? I know, it's been nearly ten years since Duckie donned his iconic old-timey chapeau in Pretty In...
View ArticleClik here to view.
The Cook, the Thief, His Wife and Her Lover (Peter Greenway, 1989)
If men continue to insist on walking around and doing stuff in public, would it kill them to at least do so while dressed the way Michael Gambon and his posse of sycophants do in Peter Greenaway's The...
View ArticleClik here to view.
Less Than Zero (Marek Kanievska, 1987)
You could view this film as a highly polished expose on the negative effects drugs had on the W.A.S.P. population during the height of the "Just Say No" era. You could also view it, if you had some...
View ArticleClik here to view.
Hardcore (Paul Schrader, 1979)
The only explanation I can come up with to explain why the glass partition in the nudie booth where George C. Scott hooks up with/enlists the help of Season Hubley is so thoroughly jizz-laden, is that...
View ArticleClik here to view.
Doom Asylum (Richard Friedman, 1987)
In a movie that boasts an all-girl goth-industrial band (with a drummer named "Rapunzel") and an utterly clueless Patty Mullen running around an abandoned hospital in a red bikini, you would think that...
View Article