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The Granny (Luca Bercovici, 1995)
It's hard to believe, but there once was a time when I was indifferent to elder abuse. Every other a week, it would seem, I'd be walking down the street and stumble upon an old person who looked like...
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Vampire's Kiss (Robert Bierman, 1988)
According to the unofficial film criticism handbook, there are precisely two options you can choose when attempting to construct a review for Joseph Minion's Vampire's Kiss (a.k.a. Поцелуй вампира)....
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Streetwalkin' (Joan Freeman, 1985)
If you're not a prostitute, a pimp, a John or a run of the mill lowlife, I'm afraid there's no place for you in Streetwalkin', the second best movie about a demented white psycho-pimp on the warpath....
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Fingers (James Toback, 1978)
I'll get to the meat and potatoes this off-kilter slice of Soho-shot weirdness in a minute. I just want to give a quick tip to all those who want to avoid seeing Harvey Keitel's penis. When I saw that...
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The Loveless (1981)
Given that they have countless options at their disposal to convey to others that they're not a bunch of squares, I was repeatedly surprised that the characters in The Loveless weren't constantly...
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The Night Before (Thom Eberhardt, 1988)
This movie doesn't know how close it came to being shunned. And by "shunned," I mean not reviewed... by me. While most film critics show their disdain for the movies they don't like by writing a "bad...
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Marquis (Henri Xhonneux, 1989)
Talking penises named "Colin," stocking clad claymation spider legs and craw-fish anal sex. Damn you, Marquis. Damn you for being so awesome. And it's no wonder, you were made by Belgians. (It says the...
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Grey Gardens (Albert and David Maysles, 1975)
I've always said, if given the opportunity to choose the method of my own execution, I would want to be asphyxiated by Linda Blair's thighs circa Roller Boogie. Well, after seeing Grey Gardens, I think...
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Teenage Caveman (Larry Clark, 2002)
According to my browser history, in preparation for writing this review for Teenage Caveman, I searched for material related to the cast, the crew and industrial rock band Gravity Kills. Now, I can...
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Mahakaal (Shyam Ramsay and Tulsi Ramsay, 1993)
What starts off as a gripping horror movie, Mahakaal ("The Monster") slowly morphs into a sweeping romantic spectacle filled bright colours and... Oh, wait. Now it's morphing into a lavish musical...
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A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge (Jack Sholder, 1985)
If anyone can expose the hetero-erotic subtext that lies beneath the surface of A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge, it's me. Hey, what can I say? Uncovering Hollywood's super-secret...
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A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (Chuck Russell, 1987)
To be fair, Heather Langenkamp's Nancy Thompson was only sixteen or seventeen years-old in the first movie (even though, according to her, she looked twenty). In other words, I shouldn't have expected...
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A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (Renny Harlin, 1988)
I've noticed recently that after each subsequent "Nightmare" film has ended, I've gotten into this weird habit of checking to see if there's a sequel (I know they made a lot of them, but I'm not quite...
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She Killed in Ecstasy (Jess Franco, 1971)
Did Paul Muller's character in She Killed in Ecstasy (a.k.a. Sie tötete in Ekstase) seriously just tell Soledad Miranda to leave her alone after she asked him for a light? Is that what just happened....
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Vampyros Lesbos (Jess Franco, 1971)
Here it is. The review for the movie that started it all. I know, you're probably thinking to yourself: Started what? Well, if you must know, Vampyros Lesbos was the first Jess Franco movie I ever...
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Alien from L.A. (Albert Pyun, 1988)
In order to convince the audience that Kathy Ireland is a colossal dork in Alien from L.A., director Albert Pyun has her wear glasses. Done, and done, right? Wrong. Taking the tried and true method of...
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Grotesque (Joe Tornatore, 1988)
When a pajama clad Linda Blair bolts from her parents' house in Grotesque, I thought to myself: Yeah, baby. This is when the movie starts to get good. By running through the snow-covered woods, Linda...
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Subway (Luc Besson, 1985)
On the surface, this might look like yet another film that features ambiguously European men of European extraction trying to figure out what's going on inside Isabelle Adjani's head at any given...
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Hellgate (William A. Levey, 1989)
A spine-tingling taint-moistener of the highest order, Hellgate is a fever-inducing nightmare come to life for one reason, and one reason only. No, not because the film, directed by William A. Levey...
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UHF (Jay Levey, 1989)
Watch out Rambo, Indiana Jones and 1980s-era Dire Straits, Weird Al Yanković is about to mock your ass with extreme prejudice in the mildly amusing UHF, the Fran Drescher film with not as much Fran...
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