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Thunder Alley (J. S. Cardone, 1985)
Even though there are subtle hints that punk and new wave exist in the world depicted in Thunder Alley. It's safe to say that bland, middle of the road rock music is the dominating force. Call it the...
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Just One of the Girls (Michael Keusch, 1993)
Judging by the film's goofy poster (i.e. video box), you would think that Just One of the Girls was going to be yet another puerile slab of frat boy-approved horndog twaddle. Sure, it's got scenes that...
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Satan Was a Lady (Doris Wishman, 2001)
When the leading lady in Doris Wishman's Satan Was a Lady decides to exploit the secretary who works for the man she's currently blackmailing for monetary gain, I thought to myself: Now we're getting...
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Born in Flames (Lizzie Borden, 1983)
You know what this movie really needs? (A sense of humour?) No... Well, yeah, it could have been funnier. Now, I'm not saying it should have been Romy and Michele's High School Reunion funnier, but...
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I, the Jury (Richard T. Heffron, 1982)
How am I supposed to learn how to apply makeup in a tarty manner if they don't show it being applied? (What the hell are you babbling about?) The sexual deviant/serial killer/C.I.A. assassin, played by...
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The Lady in the Car with Glasses and a Gun (Joann Sfar, 2015)
First off, how about a round of applause for Freya Mavor's freckles? If you thought Natalya Rudakova's freckles were off the hook in The Transporter 3, you'll love Freya Mavor's freckles in The Lady in...
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Dangerous Seductress ( H. Tjut Djalil, 1995)
I don't know 'bout you, but the super-long car chase/shoot-out that opens Dangerous Seductress better have a decent pay off, because that was seven of the most painful minutes of cinema I have ever...
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Furious (1984)
What the fuck?!? What the fuck?!? Seriously, Furious. What the fuck?!? Reluctant to watch your stupid ass because, you know, you're a martial arts movie. I hunkered down for what was surely going to be...
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Paris Is Burning (Jennie Livingston, 1990)
Even though this warning might be a little too late (the film is over twenty-five years old). I still think people should be told not to go overboard when it comes to doing research about the eccentric...
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Fallen Angels (Kar-Wai Wong, 1995)
The freaks come out at night / The freaks come out at night / The freaks come out at night / (the freaks come out!) I know, everyone and their Uncle Gary's third left nut like to start off their...
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Emanuelle Around the World (Joe D'Amato, 1977)
The plucky intrepid photojournalist from Emanuelle In America is back, and this time it's, um... I wouldn't say it's personal, as being forced to watch a dog rape a woman or a shapely milf show mild...
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Nomads (John McTiernan, 1986)
Let's see. How should I describe the gang of L.A. street toughs who manage to repeatedly bewilder the living bejesus out of Pierce Bronsan's bearded, French-accented anthropologist character in Nomads,...
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Killer Condom (Martin Walz, 1996)
Even though the film's hero dead-names Babette at least twenty times over the course of Killer Condom (Kondom des Grauens), you can't help but root for him in his quest to exact revenge on the killer...
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Trash (Paul Morrissey, 1970)
At first I was like: Just give him the damn shoes! Then it suddenly dawned on me. Fuck no. Don't give that motherfucker your shoes. Sure, you can buy another pair once the welfare checks start rolling...
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Metal Skin (Geoffrey Wright, 1994)
This is what happens when you leave Australians unsupervised for a few minutes. Am I right? New Zealanders know what I'm talking about. Just kidding, the Aussies in Metal Skin wish they were as loopy...
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Angels' Brigade (Greydon Clark, 1979)
Look at me, I'm drowning in women, and I couldn't be more pleased. Seriously, I needed Greydon Clark's Angels' Brigade (a.k.a. Seven from Heaven and Семеро с небес) for sanity reasons. It was like...
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[REC] 3: Genesis (Paco Plaza, 2012)
Wow, I've heard of makeshift slits, impromptu slits (slits on the fly), and even accidental slits, but never have I seen a slit made with a chainsaw. (What on earth are you babbling about?) Chainsaw...
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Boardinghouse (John Wintergate, 1982)
At first I was comfortably prepared to declare that the three actresses who appear in Boardinghouse are wearing the same pair silky smooth black satin disco pants. But as of right this minute, I'm not...
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Domino (Ivana Massetti, 1988)
I'm no math whizz, but I'd say 99% of the movies I watch are devoid of anything of value. What I mean is, they contain things I'm not interested. Of course, if the people who make these movies had the...
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Kamikaze 1989 (Wolf Gremm, 1982)
Damn, it's cold! Who knew the winters (hell, the springs, too) in Canada could be so chilly? Speaking of which, whose bright idea was it to continue removing my arm hair throughout the winter months?...
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