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Run and Kill (Billy Tang, 1993)
You just know something terrible is going to happen to the rotund protagonist at the centre of Billy Tang's excessively grim Run and Kill, yet another entry in my veiled, and some might say, misguided,...
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Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (Kim Henkel, 1994)
Watching drab damsels in distress running away from equally drab psychopaths for ninety minutes straight is not my idea of fun. I don't care if the latter is wielding a chainsaw, I need something with...
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The Headless Eyes (Kent Bateman, 1971)
Ahh, my eye! Just once I'd like to watch a movie that doesn't feature a deranged lunatic who kills women in their apartments. What would you have them do instead? Oh, I don't know, how 'about this,...
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The Girl from Rio (Jess Franco, 1969)
I'm no military tactician, but I have a feeling more thought was put into what the sentries guarding Femina: The City of Women should wear than anything else. Are you sure about that? Oh, I'm sure. All...
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The Candy Tangerine Man (Matt Cimber, 1975)
Every pimp, no matter how successful they are, will, at some point in their life, think about turning in their hat and cane and moving to the suburbs to start a family. And the same can be said for all...
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The Demoniacs (Jean Rollin, 1974)
The sea giveth and the sea taketh away. Is that a famous quote or something? Don't worry, I'm going to commence describing–in excruciatingly precise detail, of course–the deceptively robust contours of...
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Lips of Blood (Jean Rollin, 1975)
You know you got it going on when the model–the one with the childbearing hips currently posing up a storm in nothing but a pair of black, knee-high boots–you're taking photographs of in your chic home...
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Fascination (Jean Rollin, 1979)
Just to let you know, the image of Brigitte Lahaie stabbing that Max Perlich lookalike in the side with a dagger is constantly bouncing around inside my head as I start this review. If that's the case,...
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Slaughter Hotel (Fernando Di Leo, 1971)
Every once and awhile I like to give out free advice to the fine folks out there who work tirelessly to run our sex slave camps; the brave souls who keep our women's prisons in tip-top condition; and...
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The Toolbox Murders (Dennis Donnelly, 1978)
For all intents and purposes, you can pretty much stop watching The Toolbox Murders at around the twenty-eight minute mark. Why is that, you ask? Well, other than the scene that involves a...
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El Monstro Del Mar! (Stuart Simpson, 2010)
If you want me to grin while nodding approvingly, or even smirk while nodding approvingly, during the act of watching your motion picture, it would be in your own best interest to fill the screen with...
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Tenebre (Dario Argento, 1982)
Try to refrain from teasing Doberman Pinschers and always make sure to check the pulse of demented serial killers after they have supposedly slit their own throat with a razor. I don't know 'bout you,...
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Bad Inclination (Pierfrancesco Campanella, 2003)
Don't you just hate it when you're trying to make out with your new girlfriend–on, where else, your orange avante garde sofa–and your pet kitty cat won't stop staring at you? I can't speak for you, or...
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Rat Scratch Fever (Jeff Leroy, 2011)
What would you rather see destroyed by an army of giant rats from outer-space: A computer-generated version of Los Angeles, or a model version of Los Angeles? While you're thinking about your answer,...
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Tiptoes (Matthew Bright, 2003)
Okay, I've stalled long enough. It's time to talk about Tiptoes. You were stalling? Wasn't I? Think about it. Aw, man, don't make us think. It's not a good look for us. No, hear me out. Call it...
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Return to Sleepaway Camp (Robert Hiltzik, 2008)
Where the hell is Aunt Martha? How do you a sequel to the original Sleepaway Camp without her? I mean, what gives, man? Hold on, I don't care for tone I'm currently using. In fact, I'm starting to...
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Black Shampoo (Greydon Clark, 1976)
What is it about the way Mr. Jonathan handles a hair dryer that has the women of Los Angeles falling over themselves to get an appointment at his windowless, nondescript beauty salon? I wish I could...
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Things (Andrew Jordan, 1989)
What might look like a ninety minute how-to-video on how to change a fuse, is actually an expertly made documentary detailing what life was really like in Scarborough, Ontario circa 1989. Just quick...
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The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave (Emilio Miraglia, 1971)
When it comes to writing about The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave (a.k.a. La notte che Evelyn uscì dalla tomba), what aspect of the film should receive the full force of my world class attention:...
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The Forbidden Photos of a Lady Above Suspicion (Luciano Ercoli, 1970)
You're an attractive redhead who's addicted to tranquilizers and has a bit of a drinking problem... You're joking, right? "A bit of a drinking problem"?!? Okay, she's got a lot of a drinking problem....
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