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Looker (Michael Crichton, 1981)
As I was busy wracking my brain trying to figure out where Jeana Tomasina (10 to Midnight) and Melissa Prophet (The Van) appear in this movie, I was apparently subjected to an eerily accurate portrait...
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Love and a .45 (C.M. Talkington, 1994)
What do you think was the catalyst that caused me to make such a concerted effort to seek out and watch Love and a .45? Was it: A) Good word of mouth; B) The film's trailer; C) Renée Zellweger in...
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Black Moon Rising (Harley Cokeliss, 1986)
If I was serving aboard a space station with Linda Hamilton's character in Black Moon Rising, the high-tech techno thriller co-written by John Carpenter and directed by Harley Cokeliss (who's credited...
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Godmonster of Indian Flats (Fredric Hobbs, 1973)
Folding my arms in a manner as if to say, entertain me, you insignificant bag of cinematic trash, I sat down in front of Godmonster of Indian Flats with the lowest of expectations. Preparing to laugh...
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Times Square Comes Alive (Vince Benedetti, 1985)
Leaving your place of residence to masturbate might sound like a chore in today's click, spank, cry, sanitize and refresh universe. But back in 1985, it was an everyday part of life. Sure, there were a...
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The Spirit of '76 (Lucas Reiner, 1990)
Given that this film is saturated with references to the founding of the United States of America, I thought I was going to be completely lost when it came time to decipher it as a piece of filmed...
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Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time (Sylvio Tabet, 1991)
In an ancient land ruled by a ruthless tyrant, a musclebound man wearing a buckskin diaper and an improperly tied headband must depend on his friends in the animal kingdom if he expects to survive....
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Hard Hunted (Andy Sidaris, 1992)
If I saw Becky Mullen walking down the street, I would approach her--in, of course, the most sheepish manner possible--and tell her that she single-handedly restored my faith in Andy Sidaris, the...
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Fatty Girl Goes to New York (Umberto Lenzi, 1982)
"First of all, what's the point of going to New York if everyone there speaks Italian? You might as well have called it "Fatty Girl Goes to Roma." Another clear giveaway was the fact that all the...
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The Blue Jean Monster (Kai-Ming Lai, 1991)
According to Pauline Wong Siu-Fung's leggy gal pal, the reason babies are born without teeth is because the father usually knocks them out with his erect penis. (Wait, that can't be true.) It isn't....
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Fit to Kill (Andy Sidaris, 1993)
She can sing, she can dance, she's funny, and, of course, she's got killer legs, yet time and time again, the gorgeous Cynthia Brimhall is relegated to the sidelines. I've been wanting to say this for...
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976-EVIL (Robert Englund, 1988)
During the day, her legs are not sheathed in anything. But when night falls, look out, honey, her legs are sheathed in the finest stockings money can buy. (Oh, brother, I should have known you were...
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Dead Heat (Mark Goldblatt, 1988)
Did someone say, zombies wielding Uzis? What's that, no one said that? Oh, really? Well, someone should say that, and they should say it a lot. Here's a crude theory that just popped into my head. You...
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Cat People (Paul Scrader, 1982)
Dare I fetishize thigh-high hip waders? (What are you talking about? You better fetishize thigh-high hip waders. I mean, I didn't click on your review of Paul Schrader's for you not to fetishize...
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Samurai Cop (Amir Shervan, 1989)
Using my unique power to look at stuff and combining it with my not-so unique ability to remember the stuff I just looked at with some degree of accuracy, I would say roughly around thirty henchmen are...
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Scared Stiff (Richard Friedman, 1987)
I know the place is big and all, but how do you not notice the dead house painter hanging outside by your son's bedroom window? Actually, I assumed the police were removing the dead house painter's...
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Black Devil Doll (Jonathan Louis Lewis, 2007)
What do you think the first thing an anatomically correct puppet is going to do after they have been possessed by the spirit of a recently executed black radical/serial rapist/serial killer? (Scrounge...
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Tromeo and Juliet (Lloyd Kaufman, 1996)
When I saw the shirtless guy (and by "shirtless," I mean he wasn't wearing a shirt) with a penis monster for a cock approach the kiddie pool where one of the titular characters from Tromeo and Juliet...
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C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud (David Irving, 1989)
When there's no more room in hell, the dead shall do aerobics in leopard print leotards. Oh, yeah. "Im a walkin', I'm a talkin', I'm a stalkin'. Coming into your room tonight! Bud the Chud, Bud the...
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There's Nothing Out There! (Rolfe Kanefsky, 1991)
Okay, let's say there is something out there. What would be one of the first questions you'd ask relating to what's out there? And remember, "there" is not a real place, it's a realm that exists purely...
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